I stared at my drink in deep meditation. I knew it was no good for me. It would only worsen things in the morning, but right now – I just needed to clear my head. I was suddenly faced with a decision that I just didn’t feel prepared to deal with. I could suffer through life with a sure thing or go for the gusto and take a leap of faith.
Lester was fundamentally better suited for the task of marriage. Geoff was better suited for … well other tasks. I couldn’t help but smile at the unlucky choices I had before me. Not so many had either choice at all. Then it dawned on me, what I was really meditating on. I’d been so caught up in the headiness of being wanted and desired by two men, at the idea of being able to choose, that I’d failed to truly consider the choices.
This really wasn’t about Lester or Geoff at all. I was indifferent in every way to them both. If that weren’t the case, there would be no competition. What is indifference to true love or even lust and passion? The decision I was really belaboring was whether I would choose to be alone or not. I could either hold onto a relationship gone cold and stale or quietly let them both go. I imagined letting both of them ease into the rolling tide and off into the sunset. As I gazed wistfully into my drink, the idea of casting their memories adrift began to take hold. Then the solitude created would be all my own and of my own making.
